Darianna! True Hollywood Story

Hello everyone, world, and Universe!

It’s been a while since I’ve written and posted anything on the site which has made me extremely nervous! I’m assuming it’s because I’m not yet familiar with this medium (#practicemakesfamiliar). I trust you will forgive me as I endeavor to develop a consistent relationship with this site in order to maintain a healthy familiarity of which I never want to be disconnected from #namaste.

As the title of this post suggests, this is my “True Hollywood Story” as inspired by one of E!’s OG programming gems. I was moved to write my story because I always felt as though there’s so much of this process I’m unaware of. It begs me to reflect on all the choices and pathways my own journey has caused me make. There has been a sense in me to seek out answers to questions I can’t seem to form and that others can’t seem to answer. It is my hope that through my story, I can take a macro look at my experiences which have led me to this point in my life. I hope to gain more insight through my story than I’ve ever given myself the chance to. I’m confident that through this work, I will take an active role in applying my own force and energy into the present moment for the future I’m learning to be excited to create.

I am a Dominican-American woman born and raised in New York City and would most likely still be there had I not moved out to LA 7 years ago to pursue a career in entertainment. I moved with intentions to work as a Production Assistant and had set up a meeting through a friend with someone that did this kind of work. I was nervous and excited to finally speak to someone, professionally, about the kind of work I wanted to do. However, the guy I met with immediately ended the meeting when I told him I didn’t have a car, seeing as I had just moved. He proceeded to tell me to “get back to him” when I had a car after which he went on his way. Without having answered any of my questions or given me any kind of useful advice. This man was so rude and had zero sympathy for the fact that I had just moved out and didn’t know anyone in the business. After that illuminating meeting, I started looking for just any old job out there. Thankfully, my path led me to a talent agency where I spent the next year and a half learning more about the business than I had ever thought I would. It was honestly like grad school. After all those times my mother told me to go back to school and get a masters (in what, I’m still not sure), I finally felt like I was.

Along with feeling like I was in school, so too did the anxiety that came with school come back. I won’t go into it now, since that in itself is a whole other saga that requires time to be examined, sifted, and finally written. For the purposes of this story, it is enough to know that my time at the agency took a lot out of me. I perceived life as such a struggle and felt misunderstood at every turn. For a little over a year and a half, I felt bombarded by negativity from outside forces but especially from within my own head. The energy within those walls was one that I ultimately knew I couldn’t sustain myself in. Following the one and a half years, I can honestly say it’s taken years to get myself back and therapy was a huge part of that. One of the most unfortunate and hardest things to come to terms with is that the agency left me feeling like the biggest imposter. I doubted myself to the point of feeling paralyzed by not being able to make a decision. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great place to be if that is your energy, your drive, your vibe. But if it’s not you, it definitely won’t sit well, let me tell you. I saw very early on how things and people were and I never felt connected. I would always be wondering why “the cool kids” won’t be more welcoming or why people and situations felt so unbelievably out of reach and disproportionately powerful. I never saw it as our energies not being a match and disconnected from it. I instead internalized everything that happened to me and would consistently deem myself a “terrible assistant”, whatever that means. In due time, I got conveniently let go and I decided to bet on my chances in scripted content. How hard could it be?

Real hard. So difficult that I decided to concede the fight before I reached points of literal starvation. Thankfully through my connections and my resume being passed around, I started working with a reality producer who had a “term deal” with NBC. For those who don’t know, that’s a deal agreed to between a studio and a creative. Anything the creative worked on, the studio would have the “first look” at it to buy and develop. It was my first foray into the world of development and I felt excited to learn. My boss was a very nice man but I always felt a sort of disconnection from him to the job. My suspicions were confirmed when he told me soon after I started working with him that he had always wanted to be in movies and that he’d landed in reality...my current situation. I hadn’t thought much of it at first, but when he kept saying things like that, I saw that his heart wasn’t in the job we were currently doing. I tend to be quite a synergistic person so, knowing that he felt this way about this job made my own energy and enthusiasm for the job wane.  When my boss didn’t renew his deal when it came time, I left him and started temping.

I absolutely loved being a temp! I started off very nervous realizing I would have to jump into a functioning (seemingly) machine and not misdirect the natural flow. Although I was a bit more nervous than usual, I soon realized it was the perfect experience because it boosted my self confidence after being at the agency. I had, until that point, come to look at myself as a burden, who they regretted hiring, and who they viewed as an awful assistant...nevermind the complete absurdity that that line of thinking was. But it felt so real. Through temping I was able to shift my perspective to one that affirmed my worth by recognizing the circumstances in which I would be called in to work. They needed help, were sent resumes, and hired me. I saw that they were the ones that needed help and that I was the one to provide it. I came in “for the clutch” as I like to say. It made me see the value of applying what I had learned from an otherwise tolerable/miserable experience at the agency. I jumped around to a few jobs. Indie films weren’t for me since I felt the people put on too many airs. Worked in “location based entertainment” which develops things like “[Insert I.P. Here] On Ice” and so forth. Realized I loved the people enough to try and be a permanent employee. My boss ended up hiring someone else which turned out to be a blessing in disguise since I realized I only wanted to be there because it was exciting enough position and opportunity to appreciate the stability a permanent situation would provide. That realization led to others, which ultimately led to the realization that I had no clue what I was really feeling and decided I wanted to go back home. I quickly made peace with that decision and decided my next move would be to go back home to New York for a month and sort myself and brain out. I told myself that if I did not get placed at another job for the next week, I would go home for a month. Very soon after I had made that decision, I received an email regarding a work assignment for the upcoming week. I responded and got a reply that THAT position already went to someone else, however, would I be interested in this new one that we think is better for you? I read through the description regarding a high-level desk with the studio where I was working at the time. I immediately responded in the affirmative and away I went to go interview.

This job is what I credit as the awakening of my realization that there truly is a higher power and plan out there for each and every individual because, and I say this with as much openness, candidness, and utter bafflement I feel looking back on it, I could not have planned this part of my trajectory better myself. Considering my journey prior to this point in time, I felt I had no business being where I was, where I found myself. And they liked me! That was the trippy-est part of this whole experience for me. I had not, until this job, felt as supported by the people around me as I did then. It made me try harder to continue having praise and admiration and genuine appreciation lavished on me. It was the boon I didn’t know I needed following the experience I now understand as having been traumatic for my psyche. The good times continued to roll when my boss then brought me with her to work at a network. She asked me if I’d like to join her and I told her my bags were already packed! Although I didn’t know for sure what I wanted to do for work, I knew that I still had so much to learn from this woman who saw value in bringing me to work with her at her next job. Given my present circumstances and lack of career plans when we met, she had always told me to let her know what I was thinking in terms of my future and she would help me in any way she could. Our conversations up to then had shown me that I had a strong enough interest in our present work to truly believe it would lead to “the thing”. You know “the thing”, everyone does. So off we went!

I came into my own with this job. By the end of my time, I was most definitely the office cheerleader. No dope outfit crossed my path that I didn’t compliment. I endeavored to make my coworkers and everyone around me feel as good about themselves as I know they deserve. I even felt as though my own outfits became more fly! The amazing executives had me feeling more confident in being able to reach out and communicate with them on a more human level. I felt like they truly cared about you and what you had to say. While my personal outlook on myself was gaining confidence, the career side of myself kept feeling more and more stressed. Anxiety became my constant companion as it started showing up more and more along with my thoughts. I ignored the rising anxiety for a long time until it became a constant undercurrent in my thoughts. I started feeling like I should be asking more questions and learning more and knowing more. I mean, I had been working in this industry, in this capacity, for years now. I should know more…Looking back, I find I have to really forgive myself for allowing these feelings/thoughts to take over my view of myself. I found it impossible to reconcile the wonderful person I truly was with the false image I had of myself and not recognizing that I was protecting myself from doing just that. I’ve come to realize that what I was battling so hard at the time had been Imposter Syndrome and hadn’t realized it.

The turning point for me at this job was when my coworker came to me with a grievance regarding work. I had done something that had her feeling some type of way and despite her level of emotion for the subject at hand, I couldn’t help but notice that although I understood where she was coming from, I just wasn’t feeling the situation how she was. Clearly. The fact that I was reacting this way alerted me to how little I cared about the job. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED my job. My boss was amazing, my coworkers were amazing, and the work we did was recognized and respected. I was fully aware that this is the job people leave other jobs for. A job I was so excited and ready to embark on. However, realizing how little I truly cared for the job created a domino effect of thoughts that eventually led me to the realization that what I truly wanted to do was to be an actress. A performer. A vessel for the universe to use however she sees fit in order for her message of love and unity to flow through me through any and all types of creative and performance art. I finally saw myself for who I was.

I cried. Sobbed from deep in my soul. It was most decidedly not a pleasant realization. I cried because I finally knew what “the thing” was and it’s something so hard that people can and have died for it. For me, that moment of clarity was a thing I couldn’t unsee. I am an actress and I no longer had any business belonging here in this corporate world. I had a conversation with my boss the very next day. I truly felt like I couldn’t go on and continue working while letting this woman think I still wanted to be here when I didn’t. I am, however, aware of the life of an artist. There is seemingly no support. There is no solid structure and no one way of doing things. Let’s be real, society does not make it easy to be an artist and a creative individual. I knew that now that I’d become aware of my path, there was no convincing myself of there being another direction I was meant to go. The unicorn that my boss is, listened to the blubbering mass that had invaded her office the next day. When I was done she told me that of course I should pursue acting and of course I should take classes and that of course I’d still be able to keep my job in the meantime. I don’t believe I can properly convey, even to this day, the depth of my disbelief at what she was telling me. You mean, I can want to be an actress, take classes, and not worry about not getting fired for not wanting to do this work anymore??? I was speechless. As I stated before, I couldn’t have planned this better myself. Truly.

My grateful ass threw myself into acting classes and I haven’t looked back since! I was going in on classes pretty enthusiastically when life happened. For about two months, I dealt with an infestation in my apartment which my landlord/building management never took care of. It wasn’t until I called the city on them that the fire was lit under their asses. Once they finally handled the situation, I started looking for places. Not sure if I’ve mentioned before this point that I lived with my sister during this time. We both have our own lives, however, communication in our family has always been less than present. Not once throughout this whole ordeal was my sister able to help. I realized that I could no longer trust my living situation with my sister or have any attachments to her which would require communication or coordination on both parts. Through therapy I was finally able to acknowledge and accept that, although I love my sister very much, we are not suited for each other. Once I made peace with that fact and had a conversation with her, I began looking in earnest! After about a month of searching, I had found my apartment.

Finding my apartment and moving in on my own was the biggest blessing I could have ever asked of the universe for myself. Not having the pressures of another entity’s energy while at home released the tension I didn’t realize I had been holding from every crevice of my body. There was an immediate shift in my perspective of the things I was focused on to my current well-being and eventual success of my acting and performance career. Nothing else matters but me, what I want, and what I plan to do for myself. The spiritual work I’ve been doing has allowed me to return to myself and all the things within me I’ve never paid attention to. Or rather, never allowed myself to pay attention to simply because I didn’t know I had that choice. The choice to do me. As of February, I am no longer employed. I no longer have an occupation…in the conventional sense.

Although I primarily view myself as an actress, I am in reality a vessel through which the consciousness of the universe is free to flow, and flow she does. I catch glimpses of her and I’m glad I’m finally here. The Lord knows what she’s doing and I thank the Universe for working through me so I can let go of what was, and even what is, in order to get out of my own way and shine the way I was meant to.