I Am Who I Am Becoming

I’m grateful for who I am. I’m grateful for what I do. I know I feel like I don’t do enough, or in some cases, anything at all. However, I’m aware that I’m in a different state of mind than I’ve ever been in before. But it’s a double-edged sword being in this space because it’s a constant push and pull of holding on to being who I have been and resisting the person I say I aspire to become. My current actions urge me to say presumably on the latter part of the previous sentence. And that’s because I can’t lie anymore. To you, and more importantly, to myself. 

I’ve always said that I’ve felt this block above me impeding my ascendence. This frustrates me to no end because I truly feel like a Queen that holds immense strength through love and is extraordinarily capable of expressing that love through art, creativity, and passion for the causes that move me and I know will create a more fulfilling world.  

This woman that I so strongly feel so capable of being...why does she still feel like such a foreign concept? Is it my upbringing? I think so. I don’t speak of the way I was raised for fear of simply being too open. However, secrets are what get us into spaces of energy in which the truth of ourselves and our existence are no longer supported and allowed to thrive. To that end, I believe in discretion, never secrecy. Throughout my childhood I received a disproportionate amount of love and indifference at the same time. My mother showed me what it was to believe in myself, take care of myself, be proud of who I am. She taught and continues to teach me love. My father lived his own life, with his own interests, and his own pursuits. He taught me that although he loved me in his way, neither I nor my siblings were an emotional/developmental priority. That’s a confusing duet of energies which governed my upbringing for the majority of my life. 

I admit that I’ve let this particular set of energetic circumstances dictate the way I have lived and viewed my life. This push and pull that causes me to vacillate between the Queen I am and the depths of imposter syndrome is emotionally painful and exhausting. And I’m finally tired of not doing what I want to do. The world we live in is screaming for true authenticity from individuals that want to lead with their hearts. I believe I am one of these individuals called to speak on, bear witness, and celebrate the stories that reflect the world I want to live in and know is possible. But I’m learning that that isn’t possible while operating under false notions that have held their power inside me for far too long. I finally want to remove the shackles of my direct ancestry and discipline myself to be diligent in my well-being and inevitable success. The journey is treacherous but never for naught. 

I am who I am becoming.